Accounting for Humanity

“The forces of evolution act upon a man’s tools as well as upon man himself “

A.C. Littleton (1926, P.12)
Pic: Tom Finnie (3/3/2022) Edinburgh Business School staff portraits: Lesley Niezynski

Welcome to the tale of an Accounting Academic who transformed into an Accounting Technologist, Accounting Historian, Accounting Anthropologist and a pretty decent knitter…

Dr. Lesley Niezynski is an early career interdisciplinary accounting researcher specialising in accounting technology, history and humanity. Lesley’s research centres on the interconnectivity between accounting, humanity, and technology.

Lesley has recently completed her PhD, a project centred upon the interconnectivity between humanity, accounting and technology through a study of Maritime Technology, Accounting and Merchants in Early Modern England.

Prior to accounting, Lesley’s interest in boundary blurring, human-centric research formed in her studies in Architecture, with studies in the interconnectivity of Architecture, Fashion, and Health.

What is she up to right at this very moment? Find out here.

I’m now on Substack! Find me at https://accountingforhumanity.substack.com/

  • A PhD journey in the world of Accounting, Technology and Humanity

    Welcome!

    As a first post, it seems appropriate that I introduce both myself and my intentions for this blog. I’ve started countless blogs during my life and I admit, I have failed to attain the vision I had laid out for them. So what will make this one different? The blogs of old were the whims of a teenager without true or set purpose. Today the now 36 year old PhD student has something that invokes a true passion and desire to discuss and share with the world…

    I began my PhD in Accounting in March 2021. Following a masters dissertation exploring the impact of technology on UK Accounting Professional bodies, my desire was to explore the impact of technology upon our world further. Throughout my masters research, my intrigue would always lead to the notion of 21st century technology as this unprecedented threat. It is true that the world is facing a wave of unfamiliar technology however, I would always ask myself, is this really the first time that we as a society have faced unfamiliar technology?

    My mind would think not. Thus, my focus became to look to our history with technology and ask how the innovations of our history shaped our modern Accounting profession.

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  • Anti-Social Science: Are we ignoring humans in accounting research?

    I do not claim to know the answer to this as I will admit I am working from the memory of all the academic papers I have read to date however, after attending another fascinating and exceptionally useful SGSSS Summer School this week, the content explored got me thinking about how ‘human’ is accounting research?

    So far in my own research, I have been plagued by terrorising thoughts of “is my thesis going to be ‘accounting’ enough?”. The concept behind my work is to explore the human-technology relationship and how this complicated existence has, and will continue to shape our world of leisure and work. In my anxiety-fuelled terrors, I envision an examiner challenging me on not being centred enough on accounting, that it is too ‘people-focused’. Yet, what is accounting (there is that question again) if not a creation of humanity, would accounting even exist without people? unlikely.

    Accounting research often looks to the experiences and realities of the Profession as opposed to the humans that make up this social group. We explore and analyse a plethora of issues and possibilities, how might be improve public trust?, can we save accounting from the robots?, or what went wrong in accounting scandal X?. Interestingly, in each of these questions, research often ignores that humans and human behaviours lie at the core of each of these issues. Trust requires trustworthy people in addition to improved practices, the robots will only ‘steal our jobs’ if the people with the decision-making power allow them to do so, and scandal x, y, and z generally resulted from the greed of a select group of people. Thus, if we are to fully understand accounting’s place in this society, should we be doing more to incorporate the human element driving it?

    For myself, one way of achieving this goes back to the previous post’s discussion on the use of theory. Accounting as mentioned, has a set of ‘generally accepted’ theories that can be used; stakeholder theory, Actor-Network theory, legitimacy theory, normative theory, Neo-liberalism, and Marxism to name a few. However, these theories generally derive from management and business theory (there are exceptions of course that do stem from social theory), with the use of psychological, behavioural or religious (human-centric) theories being a rare occurrence.

    Looking at those earlier questions; what would a study around accounting scandals look like if constructed on the theories of Psychopathy? What would Social Dominance theory in conjunction with Capitalist theory tell us about the probability of AI replacing humans in the workplace? Would a study exploring the psychology of professionals and public help us to better understand the gap in public trust in auditing? (writing this post between data collecting meaning I must stop myself from looking but if such studies exist please do let me know as I would be very interested to read them).

    In academic society (and perhaps even in society overall) we are guilty of dehumanising our professions. Perhaps it makes it easier to be critical if we view accounting as an inanimate ‘thing’ rather than a collective of people, some good, some bad. Maybe, from an academic perspective at least, it is more professional or ethical to do so (certainly anonymisation is critical and must always be adhered to) yet, does this mean we should absolve ourselves of all accountability in what happens in accounting, good, bad, or mundane?

    It is absolutely correct to carry out research to find practical solutions to issues or even just to identify issues and make them know but is it right to pretend that humans are not part of that problem or solution?

    Side note: The SGSSS Summer School is one of many great events carried out by the SGSSS, if you are a Scottish-based social sciences graduate, I strongly recommend signing up to their newsletter, you can find information here

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  • Getting back on the horse…after COVID

    My intention was to post last week however, as the title suggests, I was visited by a rather unwelcome guest. With last week lost to my second experience of COVID-19 (10/10 do not recommend), I will now spend this post trying to remember all of my thoughts from 2 weeks ago.

    On the 18th May I attended my 2nd Research Roundtable (follow the link to read more about it) and as expected, it was another fascinating discussion. The paper reviewed on this occasion was ‘Theorizing (and) the future of interdisciplinary accounting research’ by Jacob Reilley and Lukas Löhlein and, from a PhD student perspective, this was a significant read.

    Reading the work of early career researchers

    Before going into the detail, a first for myself in reading articles was that Reilly and Löhlein (2023) highlight in the paper that they are not long from completing their PhD’s. While it is possible that I have (unknowingly) read the work of early career academic before, this proclamation instantly changes my experience of this paper. These are my peers, individuals only but a few paces ahead of me on the academia journey; their memories are fresh, and I can wholly relate to them. In this paper, I am not merely reading a critical discussion concerning theory and publishing, I am feeling heard and validated in my PhD experience thus far. More so as Reilly and Löhlein share my experience of the interdisciplinary background, with neither one beginning their journey in the accounting realm.

    This for myself was more useful than the “X things I wish I knew before starting a PhD” content I have mentioned previously as it felt infinitely more helpful to simply know that what I am thinking and experiencing my PhD is ‘normal’ and, the points they discuss gave me much for consideration about my future in academia.

    That theory is soo Business Management

    The first area of interest was the notion of how theory is used in accounting research, with focus upon the limitations placed upon the researcher by wider academic society. The concept here is that, as researchers new or experienced, there is an expectation that ‘theory’ is a standardised factor. We have a list of what we could (for the sake of puns, apologies for non-accounting academics) call GAAP – generally accepted accounting philosophies. To contribute ‘acceptable’ research, knowledge and thought to the accounting realm, I should link my study to one of a pre-selected accounting theory group (Foucault, Bourdieu, Latour etc). This is fine if you consider two things; 1 – these theories actually fit what you are researching and 2 – you have a reason to and understand why you should include such theoretical thought.

    Variety is the Spice of Life

    Looking a point 1 above I should begin by noting that there is nothing wrong with using a recognised accounting theory such as those noted however, theory for myself is not, and never should be, about ‘ticking a box’. Theory for me is the foundation of thought, it is the reason why your questions formulate and the system that brings about the answers to those questions. I do not choose theories, I discover them in a quest to understand why I am thinking what I am thinking and thus, generally for this reason my chosen theories seldom ‘belong’ to accounting.

    In my master’s dissertation, I selected Terror Management Theory (TMT) and Social Dominance Theory (SDT) for my discourse analysis into technology and accounting in professional bodies. Neither theory is an accepted accounting theory, in fact TMT is a theory derived from the worth of Ernest Becker, particularly around his work “The Denial of Death”. TMT and SDT both place the human need for value, significance, and (more so for SDT) dominance over social existence. They explore the human need to be the best, number 1 in all things and thus, what better theory would demonstrate the fear and threat society experiences in the wake of 21st technology such as AI?

    In my PhD thesis I have once more reached out with the accounting theory stall, running blissfully toward a theoretical ‘Pick ‘n’ Mix’ that best represents the thought process that is guiding my research. In my justification of abandoning the ‘pre-approved’ theories, this approach not only better represents my thought and research philosophy, it brings new and novel contributions into my field. With new ideas come new debates, discussions, questions, and avenues of research. There is little to gain in spending a lifetime frustrated by the square peg not fitting in the round hole…

    The Problems with Publishing

    The second aspect of the discussion, and perhaps the most enlightening for my future was the concept of publishing and journal rankings.

    I am not quite sure if I paper offering a critical view of the perceived importance of journal ranking appearing in an upper ranked journal is ironic or not, but the discussion was one of interest none the less.

    In this instance there was a noting of the pressure upon academics (though particularly early career ones) to focus upon ‘top-ranked’ journals. This is a difficult discussion as, ultimately there are two strong sides to this debate however, the side in favour is arguably strong because society has allowed it to become the dominant thought.

    On the side against this practice; top-ranked journals are notoriously difficult to publish thus, for an early career or unestablished academic, there is a sense of setting the bar too high or worse, setting oneself up for the continual exposure to crushing disappointment brought on by equally continual rejection. There are a plethora of interesting and useful journals a few rungs down the ladder, plenty of which could be attainable goals or, perhaps more likely, far more relevant to your area of interest. If the aim is to share your work with others in your specialist field, why would you avoid such opportunity? Or, if your aim is to share your work with the world/public, why publish in a journal that is largely inaccessible (behind a paywall) to the public? Furthermore, revisiting the accepted accounting theories, novel use of theory is suggested to be less celebrated in higher-ranked journals thus, if you wish to push truly new ‘out of the box’ thinking you might find yourself swimming upstream to get published.

    Now to consider the counter views. The first being that top-ranked journals are difficult to get published in and thus, successfully publishing with them does bring a kudos and recognition that you have achieved a difficult feat and further, implies that you have produce a ‘good’ piece of work. I say ‘implies’ as, this does do a huge disservice to lower ranked journals, good research can be found everywhere and to dismiss something for “being in a 2 star journal” is a level of classism that I will never agree with. Unfortunately, not all would agree with this and as such, institutions place expectations and requirements on academic to produce top-level research, with the level being determined by the number of stars aligned to that journal. With this it is understandable that PhD supervisors and mentors may push an early academic to ignore certain publications and follow the “aim for the moon” approach, though here failing and landing among the stars may not be good enough. It is a difficult position for a supervisor/mentor who is there to guide you toward the best possible outcome and, according to academic society, that is a 4-star outcome.

    When the Sh*t hit the fan

    Forgive the language above, but I think my approach cannot be described any better way.

    This aspect of the discussion/paper made me realise that I am not going to have an easy journey when it comes to publishing, true I doubt anyone will have it ‘easy’ but, I have made my journey infinitely harder by rejecting the socially acceptable.

    My theoretical approach makes sense to me, it defines me and my research; I cannot, and I will not change that. If I attempt to publish and I am told I must change my theory to something that does not ‘fit’ or sculpt my approach to match the “Theory Sandwich” model (as described by Reilly and Löhlein (2023) and truly one of the best descriptions I have read) that does not represent my work in a ‘true and fair’ (another accounting wordplay, sorry) form, then I will not publish with that journal. I will keep searching until I find a journal that accepts my thought as it is (note; I am definitely not saying that I wont accept alterations/suggestions, just that I will not rework my views to fit into an idealised standard that does not reflect my research intent). Controversially as academic perhaps, my dream is to publish books, to share my work with both academic and wider world. I want history, technology and our place as humans in the world to be an open discussion, one we can all contribute to.

    Now as I am as much a victim to societal standards and pressure, I will, and would be exceptionally proud to be published in a top-ranking journal but, I will be equally proud to publish in one with no ranking at all if I believe it can make a difference. I recently sent an article off to peer-review in a Postgraduate journal (full details will follow once I know the outcome of that) and if my work makes it in, I can assure you I will be feeling unbelievably proud of myself and honoured that my work was considered to help contribute to an important conversation (and help a group of postgraduates develop their journal).

    Trying to summarise my post-COVID jumbled mind I see one key takeaway when thinking about journals, rankings and publishing; how many people these days book hotels on the star-rating alone, would you book a 4-star hotel with a score of ‘2’ on tripadvisor?

    In short, whether your aim is solely to catch those big fish, or to wait it out to find a particular fish that has everything you hoped for, when it comes to research, theory and publishing; you do you and do what is right for you…

    Also if you wish to know a little more about the paper’s content, head over to Dr Darren Jubb, as he has remembered the days discussion far better!

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  • Reflecting on life’s great (accounting) mysteries: Interdisciplinary Research

    Last week I took some time out of some all-consuming writing (also why there was no post last week) to take part in the first of a new series of Research Roundtable sessions (follow the link to find out more should accounting research discussions be your forte).

    The first session looked at ‘Broadening the boundaries of accounting: a call for interdisciplinarity in the calculative era’ by Erin Twyford and Roba Abbas, a paper discussing interdisciplinary research in accounting. Both the paper and the preceding discussions unearthed some fascinating areas for future research and reflection but for myself, two main questions peaked my pondering; “What is interdisciplinary Research?” and “What is Accounting?”

    What is interdisciplinary Research?

    Thinking of the immediate/general response/definition; we would call interdisciplinary the spanning of two or more individual disciplines; but, what does this actually mean? Must we have knowledge of all the disciplines, must we include expertise from each discipline or is the merging of various facets of multiple disciplines? In our discussion all of the above occurred and perhaps none were incorrect. For myself, interdisciplinary is a type of nomadic research, truly the interdisciplinary researcher is an explorer, they are a mind unbound, there are no borders, no home, no end, only the thought of what lies beyond. This is not a simple path as, the previous highlights, the nomad belongs everywhere and nowhere, it is a DNA comprised of portions from a worldly discipline, dare I say, the if Tim Burton characters were researchers, they would be interdisciplinary researchers.

    While a sense of belonging is difficult, it is there comfort found among fellow research oddities, a family of those who enjoy floating among the shifting tides of knowledge, where washing ashore on one island is never enough, not when there are other shores out there. Does this answer the question though or, does this simply tell us who might become an interdisciplinary researcher?

    An Image from my Post-Grad Architecture project: “The Pain of Waiting” the actual final drawings were hand-shaded (if I find them I’ll share them should my perceived artistic prowess at the time be accurate in the present time)

    I have always considered myself an ‘oddball’, I have never found comfort in the thought of confinement. Though strangely I am by no means a physical traveller (I am limited in my physical travels), my mind has never favoured the idea of being ‘stuck’ in one place, I have always wanted to know how everything in this world connects to one another. In studying architecture, my dissertation and final year projects considered the overlap in fashion, health and architecture. I wanted to understand the impact of architecture at monolithic and individual human-scale, we are living architecture, structures composed of structure and cladding, and I wanted to understand how society interprets, embraces and manipulates this relationship. For many the question would become “is this architecture?” but, what is architecture?

    An Image from my Post-Grad Architecture project: “The Pain of Waiting” (and my lovely fingers)

    What is Accounting?

    This second question generates quite a degree of nostalgia. a I’ll always remember my very first architecture lecture when we were presented with the question “what is architecture?”

    As noted above, there is of course, the general response/definition of architecture (it is buildings etc) but the purpose of this question is about installing critical thought. If architecture were simply just “buildings” then the term architecture need not exist. Thus, architecture is more than its definition, it is how you perceive the act of architecture.

    For myself, the same can be said of accounting. Again when the question was asked in our discussion, there was a general definition to refer to however, my mind came alight with the same wonder the architecture question did some 20 years prior (then I also realised that it was 20 years ago, which was unsettling). Accounting is more than its simplistic description; accounting is calculation, accounting is accountability, accounting is organisation, accounting is understanding the world around you. Furthermore, it is not just about finances. Before the world had an accounting profession, accountability was to the Gods, to the King, to the emperor, to the community, accounting was (and is) an order of life itself.

    Interestingly this brings us full circle, if accounting can be an order of our world, then must we not understand all aspects of our world? Should we not know the workings of all environments, societies, and disciplines we operate within to be able to “take account” of them?

    Perhaps accounting is one of life’s truly interdisciplinary fields, a marvellous group of oddballs forever in search of new knowledge and a place to call home…

    An Image from my Post-Grad Architecture project: “The Pain of Waiting”

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  • BAFA 2023: The Good, the Bad, and the Unexpected…

    As mentioned in the previous post, last weekend I set rail for Sheffield to attend the British Accounting and Finance Association (BAFA) annual conference. I mentioned my usual ritual of creating expectations that I am unable to fulfil at such events so now that I am home, it is time to reflect upon my findings…

    The Good

    Presenting my Research

    The key difference in this conference was that I was presenting my work for the first time (I have done short presentations in my local doctoral conferences but this was the first big conference presentation). From the start I was excited more than nervous (unusual for me) but there was an anxiety over receiving feedback. My experience of presentation feedback stems from my time as an architecture undergraduate, and these were by no means positive experiences. The criticisms from these instances are a large contributor to my low self-esteem and self-worth and, while I have made much progress in therapy and counselling since that time, I have not yet faced an event where I have had to receive criticism. I spent most of my time worrying about how I would ‘handle’ negative feedback, would I see it as constructive, or would I breakdown? Will I undo the progress I’ve made over the last few years, how would this affect my ability to move forward? Thankfully my anxiety was unnecessary, my presentation was well received and the comments left me with both much to consider and much motivation to keep going (though how much of this being due to me being the last presenter of the day -i.e., before dinner- is unknown…)

    The Content

    The conference itself was a fascinating experience. Each day was filled with presentations that peaked my interest and want to know more. Particularly the strong historical representation was extremely welcomed, while the community is small, seeing it so strongly represented was encouraging.

    The Bad

    The Networking

    Now this is not a criticism of the conference, this is a reflection of my own effort (or lack there of). As I expected, I hid through most of the breaks, I cannot explain my actions, other than I just put too high of an expectation on my ‘small talk’ abilities. I did not go into this conference promising myself to be a better networker, I knew I would only leave disappointed however, I still felt the want to be more confident in this area as I am aware that I am a friendly and interesting person (or at least I think I am), there is just a part of me that refuses to allow me to promote this. I was fortunate to be approached by a fellow PhD student (from my home town which was a surprise) so at least this time I left having met one new person (even if it wasn’t by my own doing). All is not lost here though, while the crowded breaktimes were daunting, I was able to participate in the smaller presentation sessions and ask questions during the keynote sessions. My conclusion; my introvertedness makes me ideal for small and/or ‘controlled’ discussion groups but also means I will find all the good hiding spots when the tea break comes…

    The Food

    Again, this is not a criticism of the food (it was excellent), it is instead my inability to control myself around it. I do not have a healthy relationship with food, given the chance I will eat until I make myself ill and thus, buffets are the food scenarios of my nightmares. On reflection I think I was more controlled than I have been in the past (I have been working on my eating issues) but still, it was a very disruptive few days of eating and my health suffered for it.

    Following on the networking fails, there were also two dinner events at this conference, neither of which I attended. Again this played to my introverted favour but on this occasion, there was justification for avoiding these events. I am currently working on a project with a deadline to work on and thus, my evenings had to be used for that. In normal circumstances (and in future) I would at least attempt one of these events to help my social skills although, the food and social anxiety will make that challenging thus, I cannot be certain how I might proceed here.

    The Unexpected

    While I noted my inability to network, there was one event that caught me by surprise. In the final keynote session I attended, I asked a question that involved my mentioning of being an architecture graduate (otherwise the question would have seemed a bit random). Following this, I suddenly found myself quite popular, having people approach me to discuss my background and to get in touch for more information. I attained my unplanned networking goals in the last 10 minutes before leaving the conference.

    Furthermore, it has also motivated some new research avenues, I’m not sure that I’ll have the time to pursue right now, but it is most certainly on the ‘to-do’ list.

    What now?

    Well now focus turns to the next presentation (a seminar next month), the next conference (June) and the next phase of my PhD research, the data collection. The next few months will see more travels and experiences as I journey into history in search of answers in the archives…

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  • Expectation vs Reality: A pre-conference pep talk

    This weekend I will make my way to my first conference of the year (there are currently 2 planned) and, as always, I will undergo my pre-event ritual.

    In the lead up to a conference, I always imagine how I will act. I will introduce myself to people, engage in conversation with people, and make new contacts. In short I will lay the foundations to meet my profile-boosting aspirations but then, reality always hits.

    As I pass the threshold of the venue, as if by magic, all of that confidence vanishes and I become a conference goblin; hiding at the back and in the corners of the room, stealing food and running away at the first opportunity. I leave every conference infuriated with myself for, yet again, having failed to engage like a mature professional adult. every event becomes a missed opportunity, a reminder that I am not rid of my social anxiety.

    I can engage in discussion, I can and do ask questions at presentations and seminars but in the social/networking domain, my less than developed ‘small talk’ skills see desperately seeking the nearest exit.

    So what can be done? Admittedly I am not entirely sure, I know this time will be different as I am presenting however, I remain completely uncertain if, or how, this will change the social experience for me. If I follow the approach that I have taken in my writing, perhaps I can manage my expectations better. Instead of envisioning my sudden transition into a masterful communicator and extrovert, I remember that I am an “working through social anxiety introvert” and set reasonable and small goals for myself.

    Only time will tell what will happen however, there will be much to learn this time so let us hope that all goes well.

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  • And breathe…when the stress hits.

    As the varying post frequency recently may suggest, the last couple of months have been busy, and stressful. Very stressful.

    Note: The content below is not a guide nor medical advice, this relates to my own personal experience of my mental health struggles. If you are experiencing any of the below issue please know experienced help is always available for you. Please reach out to your doctor or local mental health services.

    Dealing with phantom expectations

    This has always been, and remains, a great challenge for me and most certainly acts as one of the last remaining strongholds for my anxiety. As a situationist, I often place myself in “other people’s shoes” when considering scenarios and this year, this has proven a grave mistake when it concerns stress management. I absorbed the stress, fears, and frustration of others, and as a result my own work slowed as I spent more time in an anxious stalemate, unable to move forward and yet, equally unable to back away to safety.  My want is to help others when I can however, in doing this I fear I have set a dangerous precedent in making myself ‘too available’. I know how it feels to hurt, to panic, and feel so lost that the smallest of problems feel like being trapped in an inescapable abyss of terror. All you want is to find someone who can help you to find a way out, because fear has led to you believe that you do not have the strength to do this alone (you do, but I know anxiety is seldom reasoned with). Fear freezes you in place, so much so that you cannot hear those calling out to you, offering you the chance to make your way to safety. For myself, knowing this feeling well and in a bid to help relieve it, I have made a severe error, I waded into the abyss too, only to get lost myself. I now too was trapped; ridden with my own anxiety and guilt for not being able to rescue those in need. While my intentions were noble, they were misguided and now I had disappointed myself as I had created a vision to others that I could never attain.

    I allowed others to believe that I could be their guiding light in all conditions and thus, I created an expectation (whether real or perceived in my mind I cannot say for sure) that I could do everything. I cannot do everything; this is a lesson I truly must learn.

    Escaping the Labyrinth

    As I found myself lost, I had to remember my ‘training’ (also know as therapy but we can stay with the movie-esque language for dramatic effect). It was nothing extravagant, I simply had to stop and breathe. When consumed by panic and anxiously ‘ranting’, my therapist would always calmly tell me to stop and breathe, following cycles of slow deep breathing broke the prior cycle of panic. In a way it was like I was breathing in the fog and on opening my eyes, the land was clear around me once more; I could see and better yet, I could move when I felt ready. I admit this does not suggest that all was better, and I could carry on as I was before the stress; stress and anxiety are exhausting, often I find myself too tired or too drained to move on immediately. While this does add some frustration (as regaining lost research momentum is tough) I need that time to rest, when the air is clear I can plan, see where I went wrong and how I can learn from this in future. With this moment of clarity and calm, I can start my journey back to my own work, my own life.

    Boundaries: Being true to yourself and those around you

    So, what did I learn this stress? First and foremost, I learned why most people call out to those who are lost instead of wading in toward them. There will be times when you will dive in, but it must be remembered how much strength and courage this takes as you will need to return to dry land, as the Grand Canyon trail signage states “Going down is optional, coming back is mandatory”. I admit I would still take that plunge to guide someone back to safety, but I must remember there is a difference between struggle and inconvenience, and this was where my lesson lay. I will always be there to be by the side of those truly lost but I must recognise that treating every negative situation as a catastrophe can distort reality. In my experience, these past few months I made the proverbial ‘mountain out of a molehill’ as there were actions that I could have taken that would have proven more helpful (as I eventually did and attained the result needed). For these smaller life stresses, I must build boundaries. With distance and clarity I can be more helpful to others while protecting my own mental health. I can be an advocate for those around me, but I cannot pretend to be their saviour, I need to know and make known my limits to avoid unrealistic expectations.

    With this realisation, from this week I put on my ‘out of office’ (noting that I am focusing on my thesis) and I assessed where I am with my research, where I need to be and where I go next. I have made excellent progress writing-wise (though I suspect a writing retreat helped cement this focus). I am now in my second year of my PhD and now I must embark on data collection thus, I cannot be present at all times for others (particularly when help can be found in other sources). From here on out I am allowing myself to be a little bit more selfish and I think everyone will benefit from that…

    Note:

    This post will read very vague and dare I say ‘fluffy’ in its detail, the reasoning is that it is not my place to share details of anyone’s experiences other than my own thus, I have not given any specifics in the source of my recent stresses (plus, the stress was of my own making, it was in no manner the result of anyone else’s actions)

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  • Reflecting at 50% – Reaching “halfway” on the PhD

    On March 1st I hit the official halfway point in my PhD journey or, the unofficial official halfway point considering the first 2 years were part time so I am now only entering my ‘2nd year. Further, there is no knowing for certain if the finish line lies within the next 2 years (let us hope so though). With this landmark I thought that there is no better time to add another post of reflection, even more so since my brain is somewhat tired from annual review prep so reflection posts feel easier to write (plus teaching continues to take my blogging time for now). So what can I say about my first two years?

    Well first of all, I should have written this last week on the actual anniversary. My ideas need to get more attuned to my calendar. This aside, so much has happened so quickly and in such a short space of time, it feels quite difficult to gather thoughts together, so here are some jumbled reflections…

    Teaching is alright

    I have never been some who liked children (even when I was one myself). I cannot explain the reasoning, I am just not maternal when it comes to humans, I struggle interacting with children and I do not believe I have the patience to care for or interact with them as they need. Thus, with this trait, I have never felt interest in teaching (I remember feeling such compassion and admiration for those teachers that had to put up with teaching the unruly pupils in my class). I always knew entering my PhD that teaching would be involved however, strangely I did not feel the exponential dread I thought I would although, I did appreciate that this kind of teaching would be entirely different from teaching young children.

    Even if the end goal may not be to become an academic/lecturer, it is inevitable that you will have to do some teaching as a result of pursuing a PhD. This experience has largely been a positive one for me, while I would like it if they spoke to me a little more (never have I been so aware of the vast divide between a 19 year old and a 37 year old), I’d like to think that I have been at least somewhat helpful in guiding some students towards their goals.

    Beware the smoke and mirrors…

    There are plenty of motivational quotes out there that tell you not to compare yourself to others and while they have never helped me personally, I have learned quickly that ‘comparing progress’ with your fellow PhDs is a fruitless endeavour. In the first instance, it is hard to truly know what someone else has actually done in their PhD, you are unlikely to be sitting down to read someone else’s work while trying to write your own (it’d be interesting yes but your time is best reserved for your thesis) and thus, to compare yourself to the unknown or an exaggerated version of something just means that you are putting a lot of creative energy into someone else’s narrative rather than your own. In addition, a PhD is an entirely unique piece of work and thus, it is near impossible to see two PhDs chart along the same path or at the same pace. I have 2 fellow accounting PhD colleagues and all 3 of us so far have passed the necessary generic milestones (as there does need to be some rough structure to acknowledge) via entirely different routes. You can observe practices and ideas in others that you can emulate in your own approach certainly but, if you try to follow them down the exact same path, you are walking down their path, resulting in you ending up at the wrong PhD destination. You need to follow your path to find your PhD.

    “X things I wish I knew before starting my PhD”

    I am not criticising the intention behind this type of activity however, I find the concept that there is some definitive list of secrets that guarantee success to be infuriating (again it is a very personal stance, I do appreciate this type of advice can be/is very helpful for many). One reason for this is that most of the time, the information in such content is usually something I knew already, and in further reflection, this is probably because much of it is related to mental health so I have seen such advice in my efforts to overcome my struggles. For example, I know going outside or getting exercise is a great ‘timeout’ for a PhD but, when it is raining and/or -4c outside (and you lack the motivation for home workouts and the income for a gym/class) I begin to feel that I have failed as a PhD student. I was gifted such wondrous secrets to success but cannot fulfil them and thus, I will fail. The one piece of knowledge (that I knew before my PhD) that guides me through is accepting that some days will be bad, some will be good, some will be great and some will be downright terrible. No matter which one of these I encounter, it is FINE. I have passed through the good and the bad, I acknowledge that these are the points along my path. I was aware in the beginning that I would not like everything I encounter and it would most definitely be difficult, the best thing I can do is acknowledge that and be kind to myself about it. When the path encounters an obstacle you can keep walking through, find another way around or, you can stop and rest until you figure out what is best for you. All that you need to remember is that if it feels difficult to carry on, let someone know. It is your path yes, but you absolutely are not walking it alone.

    Research is distracting. Really really distracting…

    Now, if there is one thing that I definitely did not know before my PhD is that the path is scattered with rabbit holes. Every few steps results in falling down a rabbit hole, a huge, unquestionably fascinating rabbit hole. Research is not linear. In my first two years I have amassed some 400 papers on subject from accounting, to how the invention of the home refrigerator helped to liberate women, that I intend to read. I am in possession of a ‘future research’ list that grows by the week. On the one hand maybe this is a good indicator that research is the right career choice however, on the other hand, I am on track to having the world’s most extensive literature review instead of a PhD thesis…

    I am sure that there is a lesson here about obtaining or keeping focus but, I do not regret chasing after ‘shiny research butterflies’ every now and then. Sometimes it is just ‘nice’ to read an interesting paper and think “that would be cool to write about that”…

    Tiny Terrors

    Amidst the thoughtful reflections, hitting the halfway point also brings a small amount of terror. These first two years have passed at alarming speed and now I am questioning how I can possibly fit all of this in the next two years to come? The PhD has been a huge step into the unknown for me and, it continues to be so. How do I collect my data, how do I organise it? What if I do not gather enough or get the information I am hoping to find?

    And there’s another rabbit hole (albeit a non-shiny fun one). There are so many questions, worries and anxieties. A feeling that at some point you will wake up suddenly knowing what you need to do (a little like becoming an adult, there’s another thing no one tells you before, ‘winging it’ will become your ‘adulting’ approach) yet, part of you knows that day will never come. Everything you learn will be on reflection, in hindsight, the ‘ah-ha’ moment finally arriving after hours/days/weeks/months of planning and/or procrastination.

    But it is not all terror and turmoil, there are definitely lots of those shiny butterflies around, all hinting of a promise of something positive. Maybe the butterfly is the best analogy. For 2 years I have been a caterpillar consuming as much knowledge as possible so now I have to go to work to be able to turn that into a shiny research butterfly, something that I will inevitably chase down another rabbit hole…

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  • Academic Divination: Seeing the Future in the Past

    This week while revisiting some mid-20th century papers I was reminded of one paper that prompted much of the direction for my thesis, J.C.R. Licklider’s 1960 ‘Man-Computer Symbiosis’. (let us ignore the inherit sexism in the term for now).

    While I have adopted this paper into my theoretical framework, it is not symbiotic theory alone that fascinated me in this paper, nor is it the topic of today’s post instead, it was the remarkably accurate vision of the future presented by Licklider (1960).

    At the time of its publishing (1960), computers were moving from their infancy into in their toddler stage; sizeable, expensive, electronic mechanised toddlers (quite an image). It was widely acknowledged that they were far from accessible to all, and for those who could access them, they may not have been the solution to the problems faced (Matz, 1946; Carlson, 1957; Schireson, 1957). Computers were limited in number and the ‘internet’ was a communication system that would be confined to walls of a company (more akin to a modern day intranet).

    However, many could see the potential. There was a possibility for these ‘clunky toddlers’ to be useful, they just had to do some ‘maturing’ and developing. For Licklider (1960) this development would comprise several steps and innovations. And this where the crystal ball sprung to life…

    1. The ‘World Wide Web’ a.k.a. the ‘Internet’

    As noted, the internet existed far earlier than the 1990s, it was just in a far more limited form from the internet we recognise today. For Licklider (1960, p. 5) this would have to improve:

    “The picture readily enlarges itself into a network of such centers, connected to one another by wide-band communication lines and to individual users by leased wire services. In such a system, the speed of the computers would be balanced, and the cost of the gigantic memories and the sophisticated programs would be divided by the number of users.”

    This (in my limited technical knowledge) is an accurate description of the modern internet. For computers to attain their potential, they would have to master the pivotal skill of humanity, communication. Computers would need to find a way to enhance human communication by allowing and adopting a new method in which humans could communicate and share the growing stores of data and information they were gathering. What better way than to find a method to connect numerous computers together. Interestingly as a further note, it was Licklider’s popularisation of the concept of the “Interglactic Network” that would inspire scientists to develop the first practical iterations of the internet (Andrews, 2013).

    In the reference to memory, Licklider (1960) may even have added the ‘cloud’ into this prediction by citing this network could be utilised to enhance memory (the information/data storage capability of the computers).

    2. Nostalgia and online services

    “The first thing to face is that we shall not store all the technical and scientific papers in computer memory. We may store the parts that can be summarized most succinctly-the quantitative parts and the reference citations-but not the whole. Books are among the most beautifully engineered, and human-engineered, components in existence, and they will continue to be functionally important within the context of man computer symbiosis. (Hopefully, the computer will expedite the finding, delivering, and returning of books.)” (Licklider, 1960, p. 5)

    While it is uncertain to say definitively that have books maintained their importance as a storage medium, Licklider (1960) does portray the connection and ‘hold’ that books embody. Technology has far surpassed the need for books but, the above sentiment on their importance overall does appear to hold strong throughout 21st century society. More interesting is the follow up statement by Licklider (1960), the dream (rather than prediction) that one day computers will provide a medium to better connect us to books. Again this falls into the domain of the internet however, this is a specific vision regarding the services and purposes that a connected computer network could provide. Furthermore, the paragraph goes on to describe the possibilities for external storage devices, noting that throughout time the data tape will evolve to fit within smaller units and adapt to take on new materials and innovations that will create larger storage capacity within smaller products. An obvious prediction perhaps, but an accurate telling of the evolution from the cassette to the usb key.

    3. The tablet and stylus

    “Nowhere, to my knowledge, however, is there anything approaching the flexibility and convenience of the pencil and doodle pad or the chalk and blackboard used by men in technical discussion.”

    Again arguably a dream rather than a prediction but in the above observation Licklider (1960, p. 7) quite accurately stumbles upon one of this centuries most influential technologies, mobile devices. For many artists, the tablet and stylus has opened a world of possibility in digital art, a device with the ability to create, store and share entire collections of work to anywhere in the world. Further, in this statement there is a suggestion linking to the need for computers to ‘shrink’ to further enhance their usefulness, with the (again a perhaps obvious) notion that a handheld device would be far more accessible than one that occupies an entire room within a building.

    4. Touchscreen technology and digital display

    “The man should be able to present a function to the computer, in a rough but rapid fashion, by drawing a graph. The computer should read the man’s writing, perhaps on the condition that it be in clear block capitals, and it should immediately post, at the location of each hand-drawn symbol, the corresponding character as interpreted and put into precise type-face.”

    Following on from the notion of the tablet and stylus, Licklider (1960, p. 7) points to another commonplace technology of the modern era, digital interactive displays. Noting here the benefit that such an innovation would provide to collaborative working, Licklider (1960) foresees a scenario where ideas and work can be translated instantaneously and displayed in various formats. Furthermore, they equally foresee that technology will have limitations at all stages, noting the need for clearly recognisable characters/representations to allow smooth translation. However, the recognition that part of the computers potential will be in its collaborative and interactive functions is something that has become central to many modern working practices.

    5. Virtual Assistants

    The final and closing notion explored by Licklider (1960, p. 9) is speech recognition software:

    “…not a few workers have the feeling that sophisticated computer programs will be able to perform well as speech-pattern recognizes even without the aid of much substantive knowledge of speech signals and processes.”

    There are two interesting points here, the first being that in the sentences preceding the above statement in the paper, it is noted that this particular innovation was thought to be possible in the near future (i.e., 1970s-80s) although, this would be in the form of automated typing from speech, not human to machine interaction. The second point is thus that this appears to be one area where the vision has shown to be more restrained than the reality. Where in other examples Licklider (1960) presents a reasonably accurate vision or description, they do not extend this particular thought to include the idea of speaking with a computer, only to it. While our current virtual assistants may not hold fully engaged conversational abilities, the growth and development of chat AI-driven functions is increasing (consider Chat GPT). Furthermore, it is again important to note the subtle suggestion to the internet again in this vision. The computer itself does not have to posses the knowledge in itself to understand, it can consult a database elsewhere to interpret the input information.

    On reflection…

    Looking at the above is another reason that history is a truly fascinating subject. In this paper we have a window to the past, a view of someone trying to imagine a future that they knew little to nothing about. Yet, by analysing what was present in that moment and picturing how it could be made better, Licklider (1960) quite accurately “predicts” some of todays most recognisable innovations and how we might use them. It exposes the modern reader to a reality that undoes the more negative or dismissive views of history (i.e., all they did was predict flying cars and robot maids although, what else would you call a Roomba?), and shows us the benefits to be gained from calculated analysis and thought as a means of forecasting future possibilities. This paper was not intended to be Nostradamus-esque trip into computing, it was a guide of how to prepare for the future in the wake of new technology. I only wish Licklider could have had the opportunity to read back their paper on a tablet and smile (they died in 1990)…

    References

    Andrews, E. (2013) Who Invented the Internet? Available at: https://www.history.com/news/who-invented-the-internet#:~:text=The%20first%20workable%20prototype%20of,communicate%20on%20a%20single%20network. (Accessed: 2nd Mar 2023).

    Carlson, A.E. (1957) ‘Automation in Accounting Systems’, The Accounting Review, 32(2), pp. 224-228.

    Licklider, J.C.R. (1960) ‘Man-Computer Symbiosis’, IRE Transactions on Human Factors in Electronics, 1, pp. 4-11.

    Matz, A. (1946) ‘Electronics in Accounting’, The Accounting Review, 21(4), pp. 371-379.

    Schireson, B. (1957) ‘Towards a New Accounting’, The Accounting Review, 32(2), pp. 253-257.

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  • What is the point? The value of Research, your PhD, and being proud of your mind

    Jeeves, be a good old boy and pass me my pipe and that PhD would you?

    This week has been enlightening. My eyes have been opened to some surprising views and opinions concerning research and PhDs and, as a result, it has left me somewhat without a clear direction for this week’s post. Thus, we will have to forgive any rambling (I will edit where I spot it).

    Originally, I planned to write about the eternal struggle that is my literature review; however does one master the balancing of analysis and review and, how do I stop trying to answer my research questions using the literature? I will figure it out eventually though I am certain we will discuss here in due course.

    So, what happened that set the blog ship off course? It was an interesting comment (or a series of comments) that caused me instead to question what is research and where does it fit in the big picture of careers and work?

    What is research?

    As noted in one of my earlier posts regarding historical research, to me research is the process of understanding the world around you. That could be in terms of time, location, culture, condition, or circumstance; the point is, after you have extensively studied a scenario, you learn invaluable knowledge that can be used to better the world around you. This does not mean that ‘everything is broken and needs to be fixed’ instead, it is quite the opposite, research can also help us to discover that we are doing some things ‘right’ (though how frequent this may be with humans is perhaps debatable). The outcome is that, either way, through research we find valuable knowledge to guide us forward in our existence.

    For my own thesis, I am contributing knowledge to the field, I am not boldly proclaiming to have the solution to an age-old problem; I am saying that with this knowledge we can better understand how to tackle the problems that may arise in the future. I cannot stop society choosing to ‘replace’ humans with computers and robots should they choose to do so however, I can say ‘here are the factors we have to explore to find a solution that works for society’. Not only can this provide insight and ideas, it will guide future research and allows the knowledge cycle to continue.

    Thus, it was interesting this week to hear research described as a ‘self-indulgent’ practice. I note that I do not wholly disagree with this viewpoint; I accept the reality that there are few endeavours in this world that are truly selfless however, research serves to improve far more than ego. As noted above, the knowledge that research can provide is invaluable. It is true that as individuals we can gain a certain advancement or privilege in the world by being the holder of unique or specific expertise however, we would not describe practical skills as self-indulgent thus, why attribute this negative connation to a skill that involves the mind. Would you call me self-indulgent if I chose to dedicate my life to mastering excel? Not likely (as a side; excel experts will always hold the utmost admiration in my eyes, anyone that can make a macro behave as intended is truly a gifted individual)

    I acknowledge that there is a stereotype linked to academics, and indeed the vision of a privileged white male spending his days in a grand library “researching” does sound wholly self-indulgent although, this is not what most researchers are. Researchers are people who acknowledge and utilise their own unique skillsets and expertise to both help build themselves a rewarding career and contribute to the betterment of their world.  In reviewing my own abilities, I see that I do not have what it takes to be a CEO or manager of a company or corporation, to be a gifted surgeon, or an exemplary athlete; I am someone who excels at gathering, analysing and implementing knowledge with great dexterity. This is a skill with all of the same mastery and benefit of the other examples I listed and as such, why should I not use this skill if I can help both myself and others? It is not ‘wrong’ to want a rewarding career for yourself.

    Extending the problematic connotations of this idea of research being indulgent is the implication that research is thus, not work. The indulgent researcher again is our aging white man, perched in a velvet armchair in his mahogany and gilded library, pipe in hand and peddling away at some ‘research’ to pass the time. There is such a thing as leisurely research certainly (after all I have spent most of my life studying ancient history for ‘fun’) however, research is also work, and at times it is just as gruelling as any other career. Having worked in a centre focused on dementia research, I could see first-hand that research is not a trivial nor meaningless activity, hearing the tales of those living with dementia is most certainly not indulgent behaviour (in fact it is the exact opposite when you consider that you choose to listen to something exceptionally difficult to help someone else feel valued and heard) and certainly it is not ‘fun’ for anyone involved.

    It is true in academia/education, such emotional trials may not be faced, but the challenges do not ease. Understanding and determining how best to use the knowledge gained is a challenge in itself, and clearly, there is a very challenging viewpoint to overcome in proving the value of your knowledge.

    In short, a PhD is the beginning of something both wonderful and complex. It is a wonderful thought to make a skill that I have refined throughout my life and thoroughly enjoy into my career however, it is clear now that the road ahead will not be simple. As a researcher, I must bridge the gap between academia and industry to show that knowledge is as useful as ‘figures’ when measuring success. I have chosen to dedicate my future to accumulating a wealth of knowledge on specific subjects so that there is a source for such knowledge when industry and society needs it. Further still, I want to take this knowledge to industry before it is ‘needed’, to work with them to build or prepare for a better future. There is no better solution to a problem than mitigation and, if I can help mitigate the risk of industry forging ahead into 21st technology without a plan for humanity then I will consider that a ‘win’. If that makes me ‘self-indulgent’ then I suppose you had better ready my pipe and slippers…

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  • PhD and Me – Mental Health

    Writing this post a day early (I begin teaching again tomorrow) has somewhat thrown off my thought process in deciding what to write about this week. Thus, considering I mentioned it in my previous post, perhaps now is a good time to introduce the topic of mental health into my PhD reflections. Like many areas of life, mental health can often get left behind when discussing the PhD experience but it is most definitely something that should always be considered, and openly discussed, in a PhD journey.

    Disclaimer: Below is a reflection of my own, personal mental health experience, situation and journey. Mental health is as individual as we are and thus, please remember not to ‘rate’ or compare your experience to mine and judge yourself (or me) for it. What is a struggle for me, may not be a struggle for you and similarly, what is a struggle for you, may not be a struggle for me. If you take anything from this, please let it be that you are never alone and always seek help when you are struggling. You have value, you are worthwhile, and your story and experience is worth hearing/sharing.

    Me and my mind (for context/explanation of my own thoughts/responses in the below sections)

    To put my thoughts and experiences on mental health into context, I live with anxiety and depression. My anxiety holds dominance over the depression, but there are times when depression rears its motivation-draining head, but largely anxiety is the demon I deal with on a daily basis. I have spent most of my life with anxiety, it was a presence and mindset that I believed that I could ignore however, at the age of 32, the loosely constructed façade failed and I had breakdown. After experiencing an extreme anxiety attack during an exam over a simple computer issue, I finally realised that I could not carry on like this, ignoring the anxiety was not working and it would not go away if I pretended that it was not there. In addition, I had just begun my masters and I knew that I would not survive/complete the course if I did not seek help.
    After a trip to the doctors and guidance from my employer at the time, I would find myself spending the next few years in weekly counselling and later therapy upon which I have made progress I did not think possible. I gained a confidence in my ability that I have never before possessed, and I can (most of the time) ‘talk down’ anxiety attacks.  This progress has, for the most part, allowed me to become a reasonably functional/happy human however, I am not without mental struggles entirely; I am very much an ongoing work in progress.

    So, what exactly goes on in my mind? My issues centre primarily on social anxiety and self-worth. In short, my low self-worth causes me to place a high dependence on the opinion of others, and subsequently creates an extreme fear of judgement. To add further difficulty from a PhD perspective, more than any other area, I rate academia exceptionally highly in assessing my own self-worth and thus, it is characteristic for me to place unreasonably high and difficult standards upon myself in this area. This complicated love/hate relationship spawned in my early teenage years. I did not fit in at highschool, I was frequently bullied, so much so that I felt that I had nothing worthwhile to offer the world; if people did not accept me, I had no place in society. However, another facet of my personality is a fear of confrontation and as such my desired response to bullying was to escape and thus, at some point I began to view getting good grades as my way of escaping my tormentors. I held onto the reality that one day our class would be separated based on academic ability and, if my grades continued, at that moment, I would be free of those who chose their ‘entertainment’ (at my expense) over study. In addition, I was ‘good’ at learning (I like collecting knowledge) and I often obtained high grades. Emotionally, I felt a great comfort in the social acceptance that I gained from excelling, the recognition of achievement felt like a validation of my existence, I could add something to the world. This sadly would also result in my connecting all of the wrong dots so to speak. I did not see that I had/have worth no matter what instead, I believed that when I was achieving, I was proving my worth and justifying my existence to the world, unaware that I had nothing to prove, I have as much right as anyone else to be here.

    This is clearly a very brief introduction to my story however, from this I can surmise that I am someone who both holds a strong confidence in my academic ability (I know I am very intelligent and have a lot of potential) but also struggles to forge a path based purely on my opinion/merit. This comes from a mix of having great respect for the people that I work with while also having an anxious insecurity that leads me to feel that I cannot proceed without their reassurance. While I acknowledge my ability fully, I seem to lack the belief that I can lead it down the correct path.

    Thus, in undertaking a PhD, there will be/are some obvious issues that can occur for me personally. however, today I chose to ponder a few of the most common across the PhD experience. I do not doubt that there are countless other circumstances that we can/have encounter(ed) but let us start here…

    PhD’s are stressful.

    Yes. Yes they are.
    PhD’s are a significant undertaking that involve copious amounts of study, research, work, adaptation, and perseverance (and presumably thick skin which I am sure I will fully learn soon enough). At no point will it be ‘easy’ (and it is unlikely that anyone would ever tell you that) but note, that does not mean that it will be a negative experience. Hard work can (dare I say) be positive if you truly enjoy what you are doing. Do not mistake this for toxic positivity, I still get very anxious and stressed about how much I still must do, and still hold onto that negative concept of ‘will it be right/good enough’. However, even amidst this worry, I see how much I enjoy reading, researching, and imagining what discoveries my thesis might bring. I am passionate about history and to be able to spend (hopefully) 4 years dedicated to it is quite wonderful. Is the concept of producing a ~100,000-word thesis horribly daunting and stressful? Absolutely, but I cannot think about this, if I give my anxiety even 1mm, it will consume every piece of available space in my mind, filling it with every horrific ‘what if?’ scenario available. Instead, I choose to forget that there are 4 years (or 2 remaining now) ahead. Instead, I think about today, maybe tomorrow, and even sometimes the end of the week; but no further (one of the best things I learned from my counsellor). Asking what I can do today, is far more productive than hypothetically planning every detail of the next 2 years of my life.

    Imposter Syndrome: You are more deserving than you think

    This is a common feeling for PhD students although, I am very fortunate that I have largely avoided this feeling. I understand the concept, we feel that to be in this position we should be someone of higher significance. A PhD is an important undertaking, it thus ought to be a role for a very smart and capable person. This, however, is not my complete view of the role of the PhD. Yes, it is important and you do have to be a very dedicated and adaptable person (‘smart’ I feel is perhaps too vague a term as intelligence is present in everyone so, I would argue that we are all ‘smart’ enough to do a PhD, it is more a question of if we would want to do it or not and do we have the perseverance for it) but it is the beginning point of the academic career. It is the opportunity to ‘test the water’ and find out if academia/research is everything that you thought it was. If it is then you will complete your PhD and move on to bigger and better things (I have an ever-growing list of ‘future research’ topics) and, if it is not quite what you hoped it would be, you will still move on to bigger and better things regardless of whether that includes a complete PhD or not. No one (unless they already have a prior PhD) goes into a PhD with the knowledge of everything that must be done and how exactly it should be done. You ‘learn on the job’. As I frequently state, for me, the PhD is a journey, you are expected to figure it out as you go. The only thing that would make me feel like an imposter would be if I were doing a PhD that I truly did not want to do.

    Am I doing it right or, am I good enough to do this?

    This I admit is quite similar to Impostor syndrome, but I feel that there are differences that merit a separate consideration. Academia is most certainly where I fit in, I do not experience a 100% ‘I do not belong here’ doubt but, there is an always creeping thought of ‘what if I end up disappointing everyone?’ This notion plays right into my social anxiety and crippling fear of judgement and as mentioned, my (flawed) solution to these feelings is to set unreasonably high academic standards upon myself; so that I may find my worth in my magnificent achievements at the end. The true issue here is not about my not being good enough however, it is the reality that I value the opinions of others above my own when it comes to my own existence. This was (and still is) the hardest notion to address in counselling/therapy. While not producing ‘the best thesis the world has ever seen’ would have little to no effect on anyone (even upon me), my mind cannot detach from the concept that I will have ‘let someone down’ (even if I have not). The worry comes not from how my own life would be affected but how it would affect other people thus, I have inadvertently told myself that my feelings do not matter (which is absolutely not true, it should only be my feelings that matter when we are considering something that affects my life alone).

    I admit even after counselling and therapy, I am not fully past this struggle. I have allowed my self to believe that I am good enough to do a PhD but I am still somewhat bothered by the concept of ‘am I doing it right?’ This I feel comes down to not really knowing what I PhD is (as mentioned in my last post and above), with each day however, I do learn a little more and hopefully in time I will fully realise that I am the one becoming an expert in my chosen field and thus, with each day I actually become the one who can say what is/is not ‘good enough’.

    I can’t do this

    This is a thought we will most likely all have at some point. As noted, going in most of us have no idea what we are signing up for and it can (and does) get horribly overwhelming at times.  What is important here is to acknowledge that you are struggling and to talk to someone (such as your supervisor or health professional) for myself, in the midst of a mental health crisis, it can be difficult to maintain perspective, my anxiety can and does put my circumstances far out of proportion and thus, talking to someone else can help ‘defuse’ me (note: a no point should you let anyone patronise you in this situation, the idea is to guide you to calmer state of mind and allow you to analyse your situation with more clarity, not to tell you that you are ‘overreacting’ or ‘being silly’). For some, we will find that we are panicked because we are truly passionate about our PhD and want to do the very best possible (which like myself, leads to producing unreasonable expectations but remembering the passion is one important step in reminding yourself that you are in the right place) but also, for some it will be the sign that this is not the path that you want to be on. The importance here is to know which one of these is true for you, you do not want to make a rushed decision that you will regret.

    One example in my own experience was in my Post Grad year in architecture. I had made it through the gruelling, mentally draining (and in truth, damaging) 5+ years and gotten my PG Diploma however, I had the option to carry on for a few extra months to transform the PG Dip into a masters degree. Initially I signed up, after all what is a few extra months on 5+ years? However, the more I thought about it, I realised that I could not do it. My mental health and confidence had been destroyed and I could not bear the thought of going through another day of architecture let alone several months. I thought through what each decision would mean for me (it was one of the rare occasions where I thought about myself) and I concluded that I had to walk away from architecture. Truthfully, I only realised in doing my accounting masters 10 years later that those few months would have been a dissertation (the one thing I am good at/enjoy) which is unfortunate but do I regret the decision? No. Not even one little bit. For the sake of my health, I had to walk away and in time (albeit a long time) I thankfully found my way to where I am now.

    Final thoughts (for now)

    While I wish it were not the case, PhDs and mental health are inextricably linked for many of us. For some it may be minor and for others it may be all encompassing. As noted, our experiences are unique and while there is no fix-all solution, there will be a solution. For myself, when I feel the anxiety/doubt/depression rising; I remember the details from above; Focus on today, remember that I deserve this opportunity, that I am doing this for me, that I want this and thus, I can do this, and finally that I am not doing this alone, help is there for me to ask for (whether that be for ideas, solutions, or simply someone who can listen to you).  As always there are small things we can do to give our minds a chance to slow down; hobbies, getting outside (not always possible in Scottish weather but a truly helpful one for me when I can), grounding exercises, and focusing on breathing, but again, never hesitate to reach out to someone, even though we may not believe it all (or any of) the time, we are worthwhile

    As a point of note, if you are Edinburgh based and counselling is financially unavailable to you (£40-60 per hour was not something I could afford no matter how much I needed it), I cannot recommend PF Counselling enough. I owe all of my progress to the help I received there. See https://pfcounselling.org.uk/ for more information. (Also this service was recommended to me by my employer so definitely do not hesitate to reach out to your university/employer mental health services if they have them)

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