Accounting for Humanity

On March 1st I hit the official halfway point in my PhD journey or, the unofficial official halfway point considering the first 2 years were part time so I am now only entering my ‘2nd year. Further, there is no knowing for certain if the finish line lies within the next 2 years (let us hope so though). With this landmark I thought that there is no better time to add another post of reflection, even more so since my brain is somewhat tired from annual review prep so reflection posts feel easier to write (plus teaching continues to take my blogging time for now). So what can I say about my first two years?

Well first of all, I should have written this last week on the actual anniversary. My ideas need to get more attuned to my calendar. This aside, so much has happened so quickly and in such a short space of time, it feels quite difficult to gather thoughts together, so here are some jumbled reflections…

Teaching is alright

I have never been some who liked children (even when I was one myself). I cannot explain the reasoning, I am just not maternal when it comes to humans, I struggle interacting with children and I do not believe I have the patience to care for or interact with them as they need. Thus, with this trait, I have never felt interest in teaching (I remember feeling such compassion and admiration for those teachers that had to put up with teaching the unruly pupils in my class). I always knew entering my PhD that teaching would be involved however, strangely I did not feel the exponential dread I thought I would although, I did appreciate that this kind of teaching would be entirely different from teaching young children.

Even if the end goal may not be to become an academic/lecturer, it is inevitable that you will have to do some teaching as a result of pursuing a PhD. This experience has largely been a positive one for me, while I would like it if they spoke to me a little more (never have I been so aware of the vast divide between a 19 year old and a 37 year old), I’d like to think that I have been at least somewhat helpful in guiding some students towards their goals.

Beware the smoke and mirrors…

There are plenty of motivational quotes out there that tell you not to compare yourself to others and while they have never helped me personally, I have learned quickly that ‘comparing progress’ with your fellow PhDs is a fruitless endeavour. In the first instance, it is hard to truly know what someone else has actually done in their PhD, you are unlikely to be sitting down to read someone else’s work while trying to write your own (it’d be interesting yes but your time is best reserved for your thesis) and thus, to compare yourself to the unknown or an exaggerated version of something just means that you are putting a lot of creative energy into someone else’s narrative rather than your own. In addition, a PhD is an entirely unique piece of work and thus, it is near impossible to see two PhDs chart along the same path or at the same pace. I have 2 fellow accounting PhD colleagues and all 3 of us so far have passed the necessary generic milestones (as there does need to be some rough structure to acknowledge) via entirely different routes. You can observe practices and ideas in others that you can emulate in your own approach certainly but, if you try to follow them down the exact same path, you are walking down their path, resulting in you ending up at the wrong PhD destination. You need to follow your path to find your PhD.

“X things I wish I knew before starting my PhD”

I am not criticising the intention behind this type of activity however, I find the concept that there is some definitive list of secrets that guarantee success to be infuriating (again it is a very personal stance, I do appreciate this type of advice can be/is very helpful for many). One reason for this is that most of the time, the information in such content is usually something I knew already, and in further reflection, this is probably because much of it is related to mental health so I have seen such advice in my efforts to overcome my struggles. For example, I know going outside or getting exercise is a great ‘timeout’ for a PhD but, when it is raining and/or -4c outside (and you lack the motivation for home workouts and the income for a gym/class) I begin to feel that I have failed as a PhD student. I was gifted such wondrous secrets to success but cannot fulfil them and thus, I will fail. The one piece of knowledge (that I knew before my PhD) that guides me through is accepting that some days will be bad, some will be good, some will be great and some will be downright terrible. No matter which one of these I encounter, it is FINE. I have passed through the good and the bad, I acknowledge that these are the points along my path. I was aware in the beginning that I would not like everything I encounter and it would most definitely be difficult, the best thing I can do is acknowledge that and be kind to myself about it. When the path encounters an obstacle you can keep walking through, find another way around or, you can stop and rest until you figure out what is best for you. All that you need to remember is that if it feels difficult to carry on, let someone know. It is your path yes, but you absolutely are not walking it alone.

Research is distracting. Really really distracting…

Now, if there is one thing that I definitely did not know before my PhD is that the path is scattered with rabbit holes. Every few steps results in falling down a rabbit hole, a huge, unquestionably fascinating rabbit hole. Research is not linear. In my first two years I have amassed some 400 papers on subject from accounting, to how the invention of the home refrigerator helped to liberate women, that I intend to read. I am in possession of a ‘future research’ list that grows by the week. On the one hand maybe this is a good indicator that research is the right career choice however, on the other hand, I am on track to having the world’s most extensive literature review instead of a PhD thesis…

I am sure that there is a lesson here about obtaining or keeping focus but, I do not regret chasing after ‘shiny research butterflies’ every now and then. Sometimes it is just ‘nice’ to read an interesting paper and think “that would be cool to write about that”…

Tiny Terrors

Amidst the thoughtful reflections, hitting the halfway point also brings a small amount of terror. These first two years have passed at alarming speed and now I am questioning how I can possibly fit all of this in the next two years to come? The PhD has been a huge step into the unknown for me and, it continues to be so. How do I collect my data, how do I organise it? What if I do not gather enough or get the information I am hoping to find?

And there’s another rabbit hole (albeit a non-shiny fun one). There are so many questions, worries and anxieties. A feeling that at some point you will wake up suddenly knowing what you need to do (a little like becoming an adult, there’s another thing no one tells you before, ‘winging it’ will become your ‘adulting’ approach) yet, part of you knows that day will never come. Everything you learn will be on reflection, in hindsight, the ‘ah-ha’ moment finally arriving after hours/days/weeks/months of planning and/or procrastination.

But it is not all terror and turmoil, there are definitely lots of those shiny butterflies around, all hinting of a promise of something positive. Maybe the butterfly is the best analogy. For 2 years I have been a caterpillar consuming as much knowledge as possible so now I have to go to work to be able to turn that into a shiny research butterfly, something that I will inevitably chase down another rabbit hole…