Accounting for Humanity

So, here we are. Saved in my files (and several other places) is a complete thesis. 80,000+ words pulled forth from my mind and onto ‘paper’. It’s a strange feeling, equal parts incredible and terrifying.

The terror I should note, isn’t from the thesis, it’s from the thought of having to leave being a PhD student behind.

Losing the Security Blanket

The last four years (i.e., doing the PhD) has been the longest stretch of secure employment I have ever had in my adult life. Since leaving university in 2009, every role I have had has been through six month contracts. While I am always grateful to have had employment, temporary contracts are the stuff of nightmares for someone who lives with anxiety. I never had more than a week (at the point of learning my contract was getting renewed) where I wasn’t consumed by ‘what if?’ anxiety around contracts being terminated early or not being renewed. Having had one such contract terminated early which led to a year without work, I can confidently tell you it is an awful experience. One that led me into one of the deepest periods of depression I have ever gone through.

So as you can imagine, as June 2024 approached, I started to get nervous about the PhD ending as it was abundantly clear by this point that the Higher Education sector’s foundations were becoming increasingly shakier.

For the last six plus months I have been applying for my first PhD role, hoping that I can finally set myself on a career path (another thing I have never gotten the chance to walk, thanks Credit Crunch). Yet, as I now have had more job rejections than birthdays (note: I turned 39 recently), I am growing more frightened at the thought of the PhD blanket being pulled from me.

Now I fully appreciate this is a bad time for all academics and I (try to) remember that this is not about me personally but, having failed to even secure an interview, it is hard to stay hopeful when it very much feels like no one wants you.

Where will the road lead? And is this even a road?

Despite how bleak it looks, feels and is, I am genuinely still excited to have a thesis that is now so very close to submission. Over these four years I have had so many exciting ideas that I had to put aside ‘for later’ and now ‘later’ is finally here. Amid all the anxiety stress and sadness (because rejection still hurts whether it’s a bad market or not), these projects are the things that are going to keep me going. Yes, they are not going to pay the bills (so that panic remains) but, they will help to keep me fighting and of course, they will also help me develop and (maybe) become more employable.

So while my thesis waits for me to defend it in a Viva, I have quite a few ideas and projects being developed. I am working on my first paper; a piece of work I secretly worked on during my PhD but did not have the time to fully develop to the submit for publishing stage. It’s exciting to be working on something different (though still using my PhD research area) and who knows, with all these job rejections, publication rejections might feel like a breeze! (No they won’t but let me humour/lie to myself)

So What’s Next?

Of course I will be working this website (note it’s now its own proper website address rather than the free WordPress one). The site will expand to be the blog and my other work as it develops.

Obviously the priority is employment, I cross all crossables something academic can be secured but if not, plan B is find something to pay the bills and focus on academia in my spare time.

This PhD has confirmed to me that research/academic/sharing knowledge is truly what I want to do with my life and I will fight for it. If there is something I absolutely am it is resilient, even if I end up depressed and crying everyday, I WILL keep getting back up, it’s just what I do.

For now however, let us focus on the culmination of four years of marvellously difficult, all encompassing and fantastically wonderful work.