Accounting for Humanity

It has been a long time since the last post. A long. Long. Time.

As I entered this final year of my PhD, I did intend to “slow things down” on here as the effort had to shift to completing the thesis at a comfortable rate. I had ambitiously envisioned a fortnightly, or even monthly post during this time however, as always, life had other plans.

Beholding the proverbial “Spanner in the Works”

The 23/24 academic year began well, my timetable was entirely freed to focus on my thesis (for which I am eternally grateful) and due to this, I was making great progress on the Theoretical Framework. Joyfully I coasted through the first semester, frequently lifted by progress and potential. So much was my positivity that as 2023 came to an end I prepared myself for the next semester in good spirits. I had teaching in semester 2 and thus, I needed a solid time plan to manage teaching and keep the thesis blissfully travelling along the rails (note: my most valued lesson is that even if I only spend 15 minutes a day on it, I try to avoid taking long breaks from the thesis as it takes months to “get back into it”).

With a robust plan in hand, I was ready for 2024. This was it, the final year and I was going to get this DONE (capital letters for motivation) in good time. Then it happened. My ignorant bliss shattered as I stood watching in horror; a Golden Spanner of Doom came careening from the void and hurtled toward the cogs that were keeping my beautifully operating time management plan in motion.

With a week before the semester start, I was assigned an extra course to teach on. In mere seconds I had lost 80 hours off of my plan and everything collapsed. The whole plan was ruined, and my nicely “completed in good time” PhD was in flames. This sounds drastic but, as someone with anxiety and depression, my mental state is maintained with workable plans and, seeing a plan turned to dust is extremely stressful. I panicked, thought my PhD was ruined and felt entirely lost.

Surprisingly though, this reaction was a vast improvement. Pre-therapy 2018 Lesley would have taken months to accept and adapt to this so, to progress to a (albeit unhappy) comfortable position of muted hope within a couple of weeks was an achievement. I was honest with the leadership about my mental health and as a result I was significantly helped by the support and reassurance of the course leader. Without this support, I am confident that the panic would have certainly grown and taken over.

Thus, with a new (sort of) plan risen from the ashes, I moved through the semester without burnout or breakdown (even surviving more unexpected teaching toward the end without panic). The key lesson here came via my mentor and supervisors, that even a little work makes a big difference. I focused on reading and note-taking for my data collection and where writing was involved, I set a target of 300 words per day. These little “bite-size” pieces got me to a stage where I now have 2 of my 3 data chapters drafted and the 3rd is in note form. While I am still anxious about how long I will take to edit them to the point that I am happy with them I do not know, I am somewhat reassured that progress is happening a little bit each day.

Losing my Supervisor

Of all the challenges thus far, this one has hit the hardest. My primary supervisor is the reason I pursued a PhD, working with them was such an incredible and rewarding experience, and they have helped me grow exponentially in confidence and ability. When they told me they were leaving the university I was equal parts pleased for them and utterly devastated. They were getting a well deserved change, but I was losing the foundation of my PhD. One of the largest challenges here was expressing how much their support had meant without burdening them with guilt about leaving. A good supervisor very quickly becomes your “rock” both in research, personal, and professional development. They understood the inner workings of my writing and thinking, and this is critical in crafting your thesis. In short, the “got me” and my odd little quirks and I was terrified that I would find myself in a place where I would be misunderstood and reshaped into something I cannot be.

With this there was initial panic however, I also did accept the reality of it and thus the panic did not feel as though all was lost, I knew I would (and well, had to) find a way through. I am incredibly proud of this, I have never confronted my anxiety so rationally so it was incredible to experience challenge in this way (I believe my supervisor’s support and helping me grow in confidence has something to do with this). The positive of it all was that the individual I wanted as my new supervisor volunteered before I had to ask, so this was a little confidence boost for me and my work to be remembered (another lesson: sharing your work with your team opens new opportunities).

Now with new supervisor on board, things have kept progressing as hoped and, while I will miss my former supervisor being there (it still seems wrong they wont be there for the final showdown), I know we shall work again in future (as I will certainly continue to be a pest to them).

The Curse of Graduation Strikes Again

When I graduated from Architecture in 2009, I was greeted into the working world by the 2008 Credit Crunch. The job market collapsed, and for my “strictly average” persona as an architect (i.e., they hated almost every one of my project designs), my architecture career had ended before it began. Conveniently, by that stage I had no desire to be an architect however, upon reflection I do note and question the lack of encouragement by the university to pursue an academic career (my written work always got top marks), had they been more proactive here, I may have had a PhD in architecture for some 10 years by now.

Now that my PhD draws (frighteningly) closer to the end, the academic job market is again collapsing. Universities are haemorrhaging money and a lack of government support means that this shows no sign of speedy recovery.

This aspect is more anxiety inducing than the PhD itself. After 4 years of solid effort, where do I go now? I know there are “industry” options for post PhD but, what are they, and will I like them?

I want to research. I want to write. I want to share this with the world. These things bring me joy, I am a lifelong learner, ever yearning to learn and share more. Plus, I have realised that I am a good writer, I have potential to go far but, how will I get there?

And so the world keeps spinning…

As you can see, it has been quite a rollercoaster since the last post. I do intend to be populating research-related content on here soon, but at this late stage in the PhD journey, it is very hard to place focus anywhere else. For the next 8 months, if anything, you will see one of the infinite possible experiences of a PhD in its final stages. I suspect for some that will be helpful and/or enlightening and, if nothing else, I imagine it will be therapeutic for myself.

Or, if we are going to be honest, it may be an insight into what a procrastinating final year PhD student does instead of editing a chapter…