Accounting for Humanity

As mentioned in the previous post, last weekend I set rail for Sheffield to attend the British Accounting and Finance Association (BAFA) annual conference. I mentioned my usual ritual of creating expectations that I am unable to fulfil at such events so now that I am home, it is time to reflect upon my findings…

The Good

Presenting my Research

The key difference in this conference was that I was presenting my work for the first time (I have done short presentations in my local doctoral conferences but this was the first big conference presentation). From the start I was excited more than nervous (unusual for me) but there was an anxiety over receiving feedback. My experience of presentation feedback stems from my time as an architecture undergraduate, and these were by no means positive experiences. The criticisms from these instances are a large contributor to my low self-esteem and self-worth and, while I have made much progress in therapy and counselling since that time, I have not yet faced an event where I have had to receive criticism. I spent most of my time worrying about how I would ‘handle’ negative feedback, would I see it as constructive, or would I breakdown? Will I undo the progress I’ve made over the last few years, how would this affect my ability to move forward? Thankfully my anxiety was unnecessary, my presentation was well received and the comments left me with both much to consider and much motivation to keep going (though how much of this being due to me being the last presenter of the day -i.e., before dinner- is unknown…)

The Content

The conference itself was a fascinating experience. Each day was filled with presentations that peaked my interest and want to know more. Particularly the strong historical representation was extremely welcomed, while the community is small, seeing it so strongly represented was encouraging.

The Bad

The Networking

Now this is not a criticism of the conference, this is a reflection of my own effort (or lack there of). As I expected, I hid through most of the breaks, I cannot explain my actions, other than I just put too high of an expectation on my ‘small talk’ abilities. I did not go into this conference promising myself to be a better networker, I knew I would only leave disappointed however, I still felt the want to be more confident in this area as I am aware that I am a friendly and interesting person (or at least I think I am), there is just a part of me that refuses to allow me to promote this. I was fortunate to be approached by a fellow PhD student (from my home town which was a surprise) so at least this time I left having met one new person (even if it wasn’t by my own doing). All is not lost here though, while the crowded breaktimes were daunting, I was able to participate in the smaller presentation sessions and ask questions during the keynote sessions. My conclusion; my introvertedness makes me ideal for small and/or ‘controlled’ discussion groups but also means I will find all the good hiding spots when the tea break comes…

The Food

Again, this is not a criticism of the food (it was excellent), it is instead my inability to control myself around it. I do not have a healthy relationship with food, given the chance I will eat until I make myself ill and thus, buffets are the food scenarios of my nightmares. On reflection I think I was more controlled than I have been in the past (I have been working on my eating issues) but still, it was a very disruptive few days of eating and my health suffered for it.

Following on the networking fails, there were also two dinner events at this conference, neither of which I attended. Again this played to my introverted favour but on this occasion, there was justification for avoiding these events. I am currently working on a project with a deadline to work on and thus, my evenings had to be used for that. In normal circumstances (and in future) I would at least attempt one of these events to help my social skills although, the food and social anxiety will make that challenging thus, I cannot be certain how I might proceed here.

The Unexpected

While I noted my inability to network, there was one event that caught me by surprise. In the final keynote session I attended, I asked a question that involved my mentioning of being an architecture graduate (otherwise the question would have seemed a bit random). Following this, I suddenly found myself quite popular, having people approach me to discuss my background and to get in touch for more information. I attained my unplanned networking goals in the last 10 minutes before leaving the conference.

Furthermore, it has also motivated some new research avenues, I’m not sure that I’ll have the time to pursue right now, but it is most certainly on the ‘to-do’ list.

What now?

Well now focus turns to the next presentation (a seminar next month), the next conference (June) and the next phase of my PhD research, the data collection. The next few months will see more travels and experiences as I journey into history in search of answers in the archives…