Accounting for Humanity

Writing this post a day early (I begin teaching again tomorrow) has somewhat thrown off my thought process in deciding what to write about this week. Thus, considering I mentioned it in my previous post, perhaps now is a good time to introduce the topic of mental health into my PhD reflections. Like many areas of life, mental health can often get left behind when discussing the PhD experience but it is most definitely something that should always be considered, and openly discussed, in a PhD journey.

Disclaimer: Below is a reflection of my own, personal mental health experience, situation and journey. Mental health is as individual as we are and thus, please remember not to ‘rate’ or compare your experience to mine and judge yourself (or me) for it. What is a struggle for me, may not be a struggle for you and similarly, what is a struggle for you, may not be a struggle for me. If you take anything from this, please let it be that you are never alone and always seek help when you are struggling. You have value, you are worthwhile, and your story and experience is worth hearing/sharing.

Me and my mind (for context/explanation of my own thoughts/responses in the below sections)

To put my thoughts and experiences on mental health into context, I live with anxiety and depression. My anxiety holds dominance over the depression, but there are times when depression rears its motivation-draining head, but largely anxiety is the demon I deal with on a daily basis. I have spent most of my life with anxiety, it was a presence and mindset that I believed that I could ignore however, at the age of 32, the loosely constructed façade failed and I had breakdown. After experiencing an extreme anxiety attack during an exam over a simple computer issue, I finally realised that I could not carry on like this, ignoring the anxiety was not working and it would not go away if I pretended that it was not there. In addition, I had just begun my masters and I knew that I would not survive/complete the course if I did not seek help.
After a trip to the doctors and guidance from my employer at the time, I would find myself spending the next few years in weekly counselling and later therapy upon which I have made progress I did not think possible. I gained a confidence in my ability that I have never before possessed, and I can (most of the time) ‘talk down’ anxiety attacks.  This progress has, for the most part, allowed me to become a reasonably functional/happy human however, I am not without mental struggles entirely; I am very much an ongoing work in progress.

So, what exactly goes on in my mind? My issues centre primarily on social anxiety and self-worth. In short, my low self-worth causes me to place a high dependence on the opinion of others, and subsequently creates an extreme fear of judgement. To add further difficulty from a PhD perspective, more than any other area, I rate academia exceptionally highly in assessing my own self-worth and thus, it is characteristic for me to place unreasonably high and difficult standards upon myself in this area. This complicated love/hate relationship spawned in my early teenage years. I did not fit in at highschool, I was frequently bullied, so much so that I felt that I had nothing worthwhile to offer the world; if people did not accept me, I had no place in society. However, another facet of my personality is a fear of confrontation and as such my desired response to bullying was to escape and thus, at some point I began to view getting good grades as my way of escaping my tormentors. I held onto the reality that one day our class would be separated based on academic ability and, if my grades continued, at that moment, I would be free of those who chose their ‘entertainment’ (at my expense) over study. In addition, I was ‘good’ at learning (I like collecting knowledge) and I often obtained high grades. Emotionally, I felt a great comfort in the social acceptance that I gained from excelling, the recognition of achievement felt like a validation of my existence, I could add something to the world. This sadly would also result in my connecting all of the wrong dots so to speak. I did not see that I had/have worth no matter what instead, I believed that when I was achieving, I was proving my worth and justifying my existence to the world, unaware that I had nothing to prove, I have as much right as anyone else to be here.

This is clearly a very brief introduction to my story however, from this I can surmise that I am someone who both holds a strong confidence in my academic ability (I know I am very intelligent and have a lot of potential) but also struggles to forge a path based purely on my opinion/merit. This comes from a mix of having great respect for the people that I work with while also having an anxious insecurity that leads me to feel that I cannot proceed without their reassurance. While I acknowledge my ability fully, I seem to lack the belief that I can lead it down the correct path.

Thus, in undertaking a PhD, there will be/are some obvious issues that can occur for me personally. however, today I chose to ponder a few of the most common across the PhD experience. I do not doubt that there are countless other circumstances that we can/have encounter(ed) but let us start here…

PhD’s are stressful.

Yes. Yes they are.
PhD’s are a significant undertaking that involve copious amounts of study, research, work, adaptation, and perseverance (and presumably thick skin which I am sure I will fully learn soon enough). At no point will it be ‘easy’ (and it is unlikely that anyone would ever tell you that) but note, that does not mean that it will be a negative experience. Hard work can (dare I say) be positive if you truly enjoy what you are doing. Do not mistake this for toxic positivity, I still get very anxious and stressed about how much I still must do, and still hold onto that negative concept of ‘will it be right/good enough’. However, even amidst this worry, I see how much I enjoy reading, researching, and imagining what discoveries my thesis might bring. I am passionate about history and to be able to spend (hopefully) 4 years dedicated to it is quite wonderful. Is the concept of producing a ~100,000-word thesis horribly daunting and stressful? Absolutely, but I cannot think about this, if I give my anxiety even 1mm, it will consume every piece of available space in my mind, filling it with every horrific ‘what if?’ scenario available. Instead, I choose to forget that there are 4 years (or 2 remaining now) ahead. Instead, I think about today, maybe tomorrow, and even sometimes the end of the week; but no further (one of the best things I learned from my counsellor). Asking what I can do today, is far more productive than hypothetically planning every detail of the next 2 years of my life.

Imposter Syndrome: You are more deserving than you think

This is a common feeling for PhD students although, I am very fortunate that I have largely avoided this feeling. I understand the concept, we feel that to be in this position we should be someone of higher significance. A PhD is an important undertaking, it thus ought to be a role for a very smart and capable person. This, however, is not my complete view of the role of the PhD. Yes, it is important and you do have to be a very dedicated and adaptable person (‘smart’ I feel is perhaps too vague a term as intelligence is present in everyone so, I would argue that we are all ‘smart’ enough to do a PhD, it is more a question of if we would want to do it or not and do we have the perseverance for it) but it is the beginning point of the academic career. It is the opportunity to ‘test the water’ and find out if academia/research is everything that you thought it was. If it is then you will complete your PhD and move on to bigger and better things (I have an ever-growing list of ‘future research’ topics) and, if it is not quite what you hoped it would be, you will still move on to bigger and better things regardless of whether that includes a complete PhD or not. No one (unless they already have a prior PhD) goes into a PhD with the knowledge of everything that must be done and how exactly it should be done. You ‘learn on the job’. As I frequently state, for me, the PhD is a journey, you are expected to figure it out as you go. The only thing that would make me feel like an imposter would be if I were doing a PhD that I truly did not want to do.

Am I doing it right or, am I good enough to do this?

This I admit is quite similar to Impostor syndrome, but I feel that there are differences that merit a separate consideration. Academia is most certainly where I fit in, I do not experience a 100% ‘I do not belong here’ doubt but, there is an always creeping thought of ‘what if I end up disappointing everyone?’ This notion plays right into my social anxiety and crippling fear of judgement and as mentioned, my (flawed) solution to these feelings is to set unreasonably high academic standards upon myself; so that I may find my worth in my magnificent achievements at the end. The true issue here is not about my not being good enough however, it is the reality that I value the opinions of others above my own when it comes to my own existence. This was (and still is) the hardest notion to address in counselling/therapy. While not producing ‘the best thesis the world has ever seen’ would have little to no effect on anyone (even upon me), my mind cannot detach from the concept that I will have ‘let someone down’ (even if I have not). The worry comes not from how my own life would be affected but how it would affect other people thus, I have inadvertently told myself that my feelings do not matter (which is absolutely not true, it should only be my feelings that matter when we are considering something that affects my life alone).

I admit even after counselling and therapy, I am not fully past this struggle. I have allowed my self to believe that I am good enough to do a PhD but I am still somewhat bothered by the concept of ‘am I doing it right?’ This I feel comes down to not really knowing what I PhD is (as mentioned in my last post and above), with each day however, I do learn a little more and hopefully in time I will fully realise that I am the one becoming an expert in my chosen field and thus, with each day I actually become the one who can say what is/is not ‘good enough’.

I can’t do this

This is a thought we will most likely all have at some point. As noted, going in most of us have no idea what we are signing up for and it can (and does) get horribly overwhelming at times.  What is important here is to acknowledge that you are struggling and to talk to someone (such as your supervisor or health professional) for myself, in the midst of a mental health crisis, it can be difficult to maintain perspective, my anxiety can and does put my circumstances far out of proportion and thus, talking to someone else can help ‘defuse’ me (note: a no point should you let anyone patronise you in this situation, the idea is to guide you to calmer state of mind and allow you to analyse your situation with more clarity, not to tell you that you are ‘overreacting’ or ‘being silly’). For some, we will find that we are panicked because we are truly passionate about our PhD and want to do the very best possible (which like myself, leads to producing unreasonable expectations but remembering the passion is one important step in reminding yourself that you are in the right place) but also, for some it will be the sign that this is not the path that you want to be on. The importance here is to know which one of these is true for you, you do not want to make a rushed decision that you will regret.

One example in my own experience was in my Post Grad year in architecture. I had made it through the gruelling, mentally draining (and in truth, damaging) 5+ years and gotten my PG Diploma however, I had the option to carry on for a few extra months to transform the PG Dip into a masters degree. Initially I signed up, after all what is a few extra months on 5+ years? However, the more I thought about it, I realised that I could not do it. My mental health and confidence had been destroyed and I could not bear the thought of going through another day of architecture let alone several months. I thought through what each decision would mean for me (it was one of the rare occasions where I thought about myself) and I concluded that I had to walk away from architecture. Truthfully, I only realised in doing my accounting masters 10 years later that those few months would have been a dissertation (the one thing I am good at/enjoy) which is unfortunate but do I regret the decision? No. Not even one little bit. For the sake of my health, I had to walk away and in time (albeit a long time) I thankfully found my way to where I am now.

Final thoughts (for now)

While I wish it were not the case, PhDs and mental health are inextricably linked for many of us. For some it may be minor and for others it may be all encompassing. As noted, our experiences are unique and while there is no fix-all solution, there will be a solution. For myself, when I feel the anxiety/doubt/depression rising; I remember the details from above; Focus on today, remember that I deserve this opportunity, that I am doing this for me, that I want this and thus, I can do this, and finally that I am not doing this alone, help is there for me to ask for (whether that be for ideas, solutions, or simply someone who can listen to you).  As always there are small things we can do to give our minds a chance to slow down; hobbies, getting outside (not always possible in Scottish weather but a truly helpful one for me when I can), grounding exercises, and focusing on breathing, but again, never hesitate to reach out to someone, even though we may not believe it all (or any of) the time, we are worthwhile

As a point of note, if you are Edinburgh based and counselling is financially unavailable to you (£40-60 per hour was not something I could afford no matter how much I needed it), I cannot recommend PF Counselling enough. I owe all of my progress to the help I received there. See https://pfcounselling.org.uk/ for more information. (Also this service was recommended to me by my employer so definitely do not hesitate to reach out to your university/employer mental health services if they have them)