Accounting for Humanity

I had fully intended to create at least one more post before 2022 ended however (and perhaps unsurprisingly knowing my habits with blogs), life had other plans meaning that we are now in the first post of 2023. This is not to say that anything catastrophic and/or life changing threw itself before me as 2022 reached its grand finale, instead it was a (thankfully) mundane situation, merely everyday life reminding me that sometimes it is good to simply stop and take a break.

A PhD is an all consuming undertaking, no matter what I am doing, it is always there in my mind. Sometimes it is quiet, other times it chatters away in the background to some other activity (usually cycling), and then there are times when it screams to be heard. While having a topic I am exceptionally interested in taking up residence in my head is a more than welcome change from the anxiety that held that coveted position previously, sometimes I need to be able to step away from my thesis to keep it interesting, as too much of a good thing can destroy what made it special in the first place.

Taking a break is far more progressive (in the sense of making progress in your work) than one may initially think. Yes, I too live with the constant fear that if I stop I may stall (or worse, stop) the motivation that has kept my thesis going, but this kind of journey is most definitely equitable to exercise, if you refuse to stop every now and then, eventually your body will stop for you. Taking that brief pause to take a breath and figure out where you are is pivotal to moving forward. When I’m cycling, even a 1 minute pause to check the time or fix a face mask gives me a renewed vigour, a drive to keep going as I utilise a little burst of new energy. My brain is exactly the same, when I write I have to stop and walk away as, on my return I can truly see where I am and what I’ve created (after all, a thesis requires just as much creative endeavour and vision as any art work).

So, what did I do instead of updating this blog in the final weeks of 2022?

I decorated. After much procrastination I finally embarked on my mission to create my “Victorian Craft Cave”. Over the previous 2 years I have been gripped by the vision of turning my workspace into something truly wonderful, its white walls may have indeed been a blank canvas, but for me I need to be surrounded by wonder and curiosity to feel truly inspired. History has always fascinated me (as previous posts may have implied). Objects, images, and spaces of the past evoke such magnificent trails of thought and wonder (admittedly not all are good, it is important to address and acknowledge the darkness in our history but, when embodying history in the modern world, I wholeheartedly agree with the “Vintage style, not vintage values” approach coined by Dandy Wellington) that I find myself equal parts inspired and mesmerised by and thus, I’ve always craved a space such as this to inspire creativity and escape from the white walls and sometime chaos of modernity.

Although this decision left me continually covered in paint for almost 2 weeks and confronted by the reality that painting ceilings is more exhausting than I anticipated, this sharp turn away from my PhD was far more needed than I realised. I have returned to work this week, invigorated and motivated to get this thesis going, in following my interior design dreams I have embodied a larger motivation to keep creating in other areas of life, a continuation of that initial desire of creating something truly wonderful if you will.

There is much to be done in 2023, I have a literature review, theoretical framework and methodology draft to create and then, there is finally getting into the actual data collection to consider. With an annual review due by June, the writing part of this task will not be easy, but I will take this discovery of taking creative breaks forward (after all the Victorian Craft Cave is not yet complete).

Unusually for me, the first task undertaken this year is that I have made a plan (generally this is a feature that lives in my mind alone) and to see it written down puts it in perspective and (rather pleasantly) takes away the dread I felt while this plan lived in my mind, constantly mutating and merging with my anxiety to produce a distorted view of my reality.

Equally, putting to words on here what I my PhD plans are helps confirm these intentions. They are now committed to the written word and I am accountable to see them through. Although I do not say that I am accountable to the online world in undertaking this task, an important lesson that I have learned that this is my journey, and mine alone, and I can sit down, paint a ceiling and take a break whenever I want…

On a side note: To follow up from the previous post, here’s 2023’s reading resolution list. I am determined to become a capable/less nervous forager one day thus, I hope to learn more about the good, the bad and the ugly of the botanical sort.